Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000
years of French history, France is conquered by an Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly Lost. Saved at last by a female
schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French
Warfare "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to
ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but
manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that
eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots
The Dutch War - Tied.
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded
Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French
their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
future Americans, France claims a win even though the English
colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle
Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare;
"France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution - Won, primarily due to the fact that the
opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match
for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of
drunken frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I - Tied And on the way to losing, France is saved by the
United States and Britain. Thousands of French women find out what
it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call
her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American
and British forces forestalls any improvement in the French.
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United
States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed
with the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western
army by a Non-Turkish Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces
the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the
French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the
Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and
War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,
surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. An attempt to
surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fails after he takes refuge in a
Classic Quote "Going to war without France is like going deer
hunting without your accordion." - Donald Rumsfeld, US Secretary
Final (for today) quote of the day...
"It is important to remember that the French have always been
there when they needed us." - Anonymous